Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
