Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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