I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
