I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
