Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
