I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
