Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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