The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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