Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
