Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just threw up on my dentist
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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