I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
