I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
