4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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