haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
