I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I FOUND THE LEGS
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
