Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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