from now on my penis is your penis
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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