The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
