John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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