Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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