I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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