i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
