planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
