I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
