Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How external is "for external use only"?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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