I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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