I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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