he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
