I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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