I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
