Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
