My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
