Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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