My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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