I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
