every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
