Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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