Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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