i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
