did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
