Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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