She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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