Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
