Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
