whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
