We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
