Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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