Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
