The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
