sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
